There was a time when I found that I was constantly searching for answers about myself. There was a time when I had no idea what emotions were bubbling under the surface of my own skin. And there was also a time when I thought that my own truth might lie within someone else. I know now that all of these were small pathways to the larger picture of where I walk today.
It seems like it was an awfully long time ago that I was such a different person. A girl who was searching to be a woman ~ strong, courageous, wise and worldly. A search that seemed like it would take a lifetime to achieve. I was wanting so badly for it all to happen at once ~ a grand and staged event where people would all gather to say "Wow! Look at Nicole ... she is now a woman, worldly and wise". I even sometimes thought of myself as being filled with wisdom, but I never shared it for lack of confidence. At the time, I felt that I was confident because I never really cared what other people thought of me ... which led me to grand self-expression. Different hair colours (all colours of the rainbow), piercings (septum and tongue), Tattoos accumulated over the transition from teenager to young adult, and clothes sourced out from thrift stores ~ as long as it was dramatic enough.Even amongst all of my material world, I had a vast and private life, and looking back on it now I think that perhaps I was protecting someone inside myself who was much more sensitive and naive and quiet than my outside persona. For me, there has always been this internal tug-of-war between my introverted self and my extroverted self. There were times when I wished I could be bold, outgoing and fun ~ the life of the party! These were the times when I could dress up in crazy, attention-grabbing outfits, and go out with friends for drinks and dancing. I looked confident, but I was always anxious and desperate for something more on the inside. Other times I just wanted to hole up in a cave, invoking comforting energies, hoping for Wicca to make my life more dramatic. I now understand that there is a great gift that lies within patience and subtlety.
The truth is, it takes a long time to figure out how to become a woman. It takes experience in all avenues of life. It takes great girlfriends and terrible girlfriends. It takes jerk boyfriends, nice boyfriends, bad boy- boyfriends, and "forever" boyfriends. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes love, over all things, but first of all we have to love ourselves. It takes milestones. It takes long periods of boredom. It takes time. And it also takes guidance from other, older women who know what you're going through. It takes finding a role model and watching her for a while, listening to her stories, and also supporting her.
I don't know when it happened. There really isn't any one event that made me realize I had begun to reach my wishes. I recognize now that it truly is about the journey, and that there might not be a particular place you are supposed to get to. I understand there will be times when I have no energy for anyone but me. I understand there will be times when I lose my temper, when I will need to grieve alone, when I will simply need space from all the people in my life who need me. There will most definitely be rough times ahead, this I understand. I think what changes over time is the way in which we approach challenge, at least for me this is true.